Oh, how my heart breaks from sin. It has such a hold on the world that makes my heartache for all those suffering without knowing their Saviour.
Not that long ago I was one of those people. Suffering in silence because I had no words to describe what I needed. I never understood how people could just talk to air and act like they were praying to some great unknown being. I was surrounded by people who believed. I didn’t know if I was even worthy to consider prayer. I never understood how those around me had this relationship with Jesus that I envied. I wanted what they had but thought myself too much of a sinner to even ask for forgiveness. The Bible was just a book we read in school. The pages were full of words and phrases I couldn’t understand. I felt like I was never going to understand what they all knew and therefore tried to isolate myself from others as to not sin against them. It became the loneliest time in my life. I was desperate to be liked by my classmates but at the same never felt worthy of them. I always felt I was from the wrong side of the tracks in a sense. I never fit in. I had to rely on only myself. I broke my own heart because I never knew how to open up to others and let them in to heal me. I keep my pain and suffering inside. I tried to only show happiness and joy around others even though I was dying on the inside. I bet if I asked anyone from my old school if they knew I was suffering in school they would probably have told you they never really knew. I never let any of them know me. The real me was too scared I wouldn’t measure up, or that they wouldn’t have liked who I really was. High school was the best and worst time of my life. I finally took a step to let the hold sin had over me go. I tried to involve myself more in the lives of those around me, to help them out whenever they needed it. I also finally opened up about all that horrible, heart-wrenching pain I was hiding and told a trusted friend. I let God fully into my life in high school. It was the hardest, most rewarding thing I have ever done. I forgave myself for all the pain I had caused myself. It was a scary and freeing experience.
My story is one of many failures and the lessons they taught. I tried to make myself who everyone thought that I was or rather who I thought they thought I was. I faked my smile every day when all I felt like doing was giving up on life. I could never do it though. There was always something that stopped me anytime I thought to do it. As I look back on all the lies, pain, and suffering I realize why God allowed all that to happen. Without all the challenges and tribulations how could I have grown to be so strong in my faith? I was alone in all of this because God needed me to realize how much I needed him. I am forever grateful for the people who listened over the years, who taught me right from wrong, who gave me a chance to open up to them even if it was just to tell them how I was feeling that day. Those people helped raise me into who I am today. I am so thankful. Every single one of my scars is a beautiful reminder that I am a survivor. Like a diamond I am refined in Christ, he smoothes out all the scars with his precious blood and makes your heart whole again. I owe my life to him.
The lessons I learned growing up are forever teaching me today. I’m never fully done learning. I’m am so ready to help others in the world find eternal love and peace in Jesus, my Saviour. I have so many new lessons to learn and some old ones to hopefully show to someone who needed them as much as I did. I hope I can share with people how God stripes away your sins which cover you like ash and make you beautiful, washed clean in Jesus’ blood sacrifice for you. I want to serve others how others served me. I want to help those you think like I did.
I hope my story inspires someone to choose Jesus as their Saviour or even just to pray about that person that’s been on your heart lately for whatever reason. You never know how God is going to work in your life. My prayers are with you all!
-G
